'Kingsman:The Golden Circle' Does Everything A Sequel Shouldn't - Review (2017)

Catch It On Cable: Don't rush to see this in the cinema. If you see it at all.

It's hard to fully explain what's wrong with 'Kingsman The Golden Circle'. I'm tempted to not write a review at all. My first instinct is to posit ways I think it could've been done better. Maybe I will. For now though, I'm going to say what I thought of this movie.

Back in the directors chair for his first ever sequel, Matthew Vaughn brings us 'Kingsman The Golden Circle'. A movie that continues the high octane, wicked smart adventure of Taron Edgerton's, Egsy. A true Kingsman this time around. His mentor gone, he must face a new threat to the world, for Queen and for country. After things go explosively awry, Egsy is forced to venture cross the pond to his America counterparts, The Statesmen. Together they have to fight to preserve peace and prosperity for all mankind. Even if they can't agree on how to spell programme.

For the record.

In many ways, 'The Golden Circle' is a fine sequel. Not in the same way one admires a fine wine, but moreso that way you respond when something's wrong and you say "I'm fine". Something is wrong here, but I don't really want to talk about it. It's not the sort of egregiously bad that you care to discuss. In fact, the film does everything that your run of the mill sequel does, it just does them so poorly that the effect is something of a mess.

For starters, it's one of those films that's unfocused. Busy. Confusing. It has so many elements that go woefully underdeveloped. There's a gaggle of new characters that either do nothing, or do so little, you question their involvement. It renders them as plot devices rather than actual personalities. That's just in the second half. By the time it switches locales from London to Kentucky, the movie has already overstayed its welcome.

And much like a Kingsman, I couldn't possibly ask them to leave.

So the new stuff isn't very good, but what about the old? How do our heroes fare in their second outing? Well to be honest, not much better. Egsy is preoccupied with balancing his new relationship, and his duties as a Kingsman. That plays out as sitcommy as you might expect. Like everyone else our main character just feels ineffective. Even Colin Firth's return as Harry is not the triumphant victory that it's presented as. Most of 'Kingsman The Golden Circle' can be summed up mostly by one word: Empty.

At least the crumbs are tasty.

Something that was a huge part of the original film, was the action. Matthew Vaughn has a very distinct style, and it's certainly returned here. It's unmistakably Kingsman. When the film would irritate me the most, I could at least forget the most recent confusing moment it has, and shift my attention to the fighting. While some of the action does suffer from an overall lack of stakes, I still absolutely admired it on a technical level. There's simply nothing else like a Matthew Vaughn fight scene.

Watching 'Kingsman: The Golden Circle' was like eating a pack of assorted starburst, where most of it is yellow, and every now and then a pink one shows up. It's not a film I'd rush to watch again. Perhaps I'd revisit it in the future, maybe with a new perspective on it. For now, the movie is mostly uncompelling, with a few moments that serve as saving graces. It's not bad enough to be written off completely, but there's no reason to rush out to see it if you haven't already.

Rating: Catch It On Cable.

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'The Dark Tower' (2017) Review: A Fantastic Sedative

Catch it on cable: A meandering movie that will be remembered as the film you couldn't remember if you watched it or not.

For those that declare cinema dead and Hollywood to be out of ideas, this is another notch in the win column for you. ‘The Dark Tower’ is yet another adaptation of a classic story by Stephen King. This time, instead of killer clowns and rabid dogs, the horrors of this tale lie in the mystical dark tower, a gargantuan structure with the sole function of keeping at bay evils from a different dimension. The evil man in black seeks to destroy the tower, and it’s up to a young man and a gunslinger to stop him.

Like many films, ‘The Dark Tower’ is a perfectly acceptable movie on the surface level. It has characters that embody age old archetypes. The reluctant hero, the chosen one, the all powerful supervillain. The character’s themselves are flat, but the roles are perfectly serviceable. It’s only when you dig a little deeper that the film begins to fall apart. The movie has a lot of ideas, most of them good, but brings them across with all the finesse of a rickety bridge.

Funny thing is, this looks like it could be in the movie.

At the heart of ‘The Dark Tower’ is a simple idea: The innocence of a child is the key to saving the world. With so many films predicated on the idea of innocence being a hindrance, it was refreshing to see something new. The trouble is the movie betrays this idea almost immediately, and insults your intelligence in the process. Instead of providing the deep, complex story it set up, the film would rather show a slick action scene or two.

On that note, if you're rushing to see 'The Dark Tower' on account of the impressive gunplay Idris Elba's character displays in the trailer, you'd best stay home. Most of what's already been seen is all there is. That's because 'The Dark Tower' is not an action film. In fact, it avoids violence when it can, and treats it as a last resort. There's a message about the weight one carries when they decide to put a gun in their hands which is effective when it wants to be, but ultimately falls apart when the depictions of gun violence are so enticing.

"Don't use guns unless you absolutely have to. Now watch how cool it is to use a gun"

With a non-engaging script and characters that are hard to root for, ‘The Dark Tower’ is a certifiable dud. Even its cast, bookended by two of the most charismatic actors working today, can’t save this film from feeling like an opportunity to catch up on some much-needed rest. Even the story, which for all its “end of the world” gravitas, feels extremely low stake. ‘The Dark Tower’ feels like the beginning of a tv series, and that’s exactly where it should be seen.

Rating: Catch It On Cable.

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'Transformers: The Last Knight' (2017) Review: Exhaustingly Epic.

Catch it on Cable: The only way to watch this film. Seeing it in the cinema is too much for any sane person to handle.

It’s been 10 years since the first Transformers film was released in theaters. Since then we’ve watched the war between the Autobots and the Decepticons wage on, getting grander and grander with each film. With ‘Transformers: The Last Knight’ I do believe the series has finally reached its breaking point with its most incoherent entry yet. The war of the Transformers once again threatens planet Earth, except this time, the Autoboots face their greatest enemy yet. Leader of the Autobots gone rogue: Optimus Prime.

That summarization of the plot is extremely lacking, but to include the 1 trillion plot points this film sees fit to hurl at the viewer would be a fool’s errand. Most of them are inconsequential, go nowhere, and contradict the plot as the film goes on. If that wasn’t bad enough, the way the film presents it to you is in a manner consistent with director Michael Bay’s style, with everything in the film shot and edited like it’s the most important moment of the movie. The problem with that is, when everything’s supposed to be special, suddenly nothing is.

2017 and Syndrome still isn't being listened to.

None of this is new to the ‘Transformers’ franchise, but previously, the average movie goer could at least expect a fully finished product. Specifically, there are shots in the movie which fill the entire frame, seemingly taking up most of the screen, and then there are shots which use significantly less space, with black bars appearing at the top and bottom of the screen. The switch between the two is often rapid, forcing the viewer to constantly adjust their focus. It’s menacingly distracting, and not an experience I would wish on my worst enemy.

Perhaps just as distracting is the movie's severe tonal dissonance. The Transformers films have always been full of humour. Some of it is stupid, some of it is racist, most of it is both. At the very least, even when being forced to sit through the worst jokes possible, the film's felt somewhat balanced against the save the world plot of the main story line. Here, there's constant talk of impending Armageddon, with the world at large reacting to the threat of assured destruction, but it's hard to stick with that when the next scene is a tiny robot looking through a car magazine like it's Playboy.

2017 and Syndrome still isn't being listened to.NSFW

Of course, there's no way to talk about the movie without mentioning its incredibly memorable characters. There's small child with cute robot friend whose go get em attitude and skill with all things mechanical shows just how influential Rey and BB-8 really were. There's old wise British man, played by Anthony Hopkins, who ranges from completely checking out of the movie, to overacting the hell out of it. There's green Australian robot, bearded gun robot, and of course Asian stereotype robot, who has gone through the immense character development of a new paint job, ditching his electric blue for a sweet black and red. All of these characters were engaging and fun to watch and in no way annoying.

Sarcasm aside, the film has 4 characters worth possibly thinking about. The rest pop in and out of the movie at such an infrequent rate you forget they were there when you see them again. Mark Wahlberg's Cade Yaeger drives the plot enough to the point where you don't fall asleep, but there's nothing remarkable about him beyond that. The female lead in this Vivian, played by Laura Haddock, is portrayed as gratuitous eye candy, but also treated like a plot device. If the movie couldn't feel any more overstuffed, the plot is focused on the journey of both these characters, with each of them concerned with their own MacGuffin and end goal. Following either is just as boring and predictable as the other. It's equal opportunity boring. 

The crux of this movie, as pitched to potential audiences everywhere, is the infamous fight between Bumblebee and Optimus Prime. The matchup of the decade. The fight to end all fights. The student must best the master in order to keep the world from falling into despair and chaos. I will admit, the idea is an intriguing one, but in a movie this long, it's an insult to the audience that the fight only lasts for about 5 minutes, isn't particularly impressive, and ends as disappointingly, but not nearly as insulting, as the Martha scene from 'Batman v Superman'.

2017 and Syndrome still isn't being listened to.NSFWI really need to let this go.

‘Transformers: The Last Knight’ is a technical marvel of the worst kind. It’s the very definition of all over the place. At times the movie is dark and contemplative, but then it will switch to being as goofy as a Saturday morning cartoon. When I ask myself though, did I enjoy watching ‘Transformers: The Last Knight’, the answer is regrettably yes. Much like the way one enjoys watching a series of car wrecks on YouTube. I cannot in good conscience, however, recommend that anyone, man, woman or child pay money to see this film, as being forced to sit in a cinema for the film’s 2 hours and 30-minute runtime was devastatingly exhausting.

Rating: Catch It On Cable

'Transformers: The Last Knight' is not just the start of a new cinematic universe, but it's also the return of audio reviews! Click here to listen to our discussion on Transformers 5:
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'All Eyez On Me' (2017) Review: Citation Needed

Catch It On Cable: A fitting rating for what feels like a made for tv biopic

When thinking about 'All Eyez On Me', there's almost no way to separate it from 2015's 'Straight Outta Compton'. The two films tell stories of similar conjectures, the rags to riches story of young black men in America with a dream, that became cultural icons. They even make use of the same locales and go so far as having the same characters loitering around the background of the main story. For the uninitiated, it's easy to think 'All Eyez On Me' is a part of the 90's Hip Hop Revolution Cinematic Universe.

Waiting for the Yo! Mtv Raps crossover movie

The comparison, unfortunately, works against the untold story of Tupac Shakur, as 'All Eyez On Me' is a dull portrayal of an otherwise fascinating persona. The film follows the infamous rappers life from his childhood, all the way up to his untimely death in 1996. The movie decides to tell this story, like many biopics, in a series of flashbacks. The flashbacks are prompted by an interview being given by Shakur while in prison. This makes the flashbacks feel like dramatizations one sees in a documentary, rather than scenes in a film with compelling characters. The film also introduces its flashbacks by bafflingly displaying the dates of certain events right down to the day. I understand the film was going for authenticity, but it feels like the narrative version of Tupac Shakur trivia night.

The details of the story are fascinating, but the way they are told is messy. It felt as though someone sat down with Microsoft word opposite Tupac's Wikipedia page, and jotted down the basic highlights. You're told countless times about what a revolutionary Tupac was, but not once do you feel the effect he had. It's a shame. Not just because there was a complex identity to be explored, but Demetrius Shipp Jr. is delivering a performance that would have been great, had there been material to work with.

The moments when you're to be moved by Tupac's sheer force of will, his tenacity, and his poetry, are the moments that are the flattest. There's a far greater presentation to the supporting characters in this story. Jamal Woolard reprises his role as Biggie, and has the best musical moment in the film, quite literally upstaging the main attraction. Watching 'All Eyez On Me' is like hearing a huge Tupac fan tell you how great he is, but that you wouldn't get it cause you just had to be there.

Waiting for the Yo! Mtv Raps crossover movieThe worst kind of way to tell a story

It's no help that 'All Eyez On Me' is extremely unfocused. It feels the need to tell every single facet of the Tupac story, but with no narrative thread between the scenes. The scenes themselves are good, with actors like Kat Graham as Jada Pinkett giving genuine pathos in every scene. The trouble is they're so disconnected it feels like you're being dragged from one storyline to the next, and then back to the original one, without having a moment to reconcile the moment.

'All Eyez On Me' is saved by two things. The exceptional performances of its actors, and the beautiful way in which it's shot. It's a good looking film, safe for a few inexcusably lazy moments, where newspaper articles fly to the screen like the movie was made in Microsoft Publisher. Much of the movie is like the cliff notes of Tupac's life. I'm sure that means a lot to the die hard Tupac fan, but since they're already familiar with "the untold story", I'm not quite sure who the movie is for.

Rating: Catch It On Cable.

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'The Mummy' (2017) Review: Dead On Arrival

Catch It On Cable: If I saw this on tv or Netflix, I wouldn't really mind it. No need to buy a ticket though.

There are action comedies, there are horror comedies. ‘The Mummy’ is unique in being a full on action horror comedy. The fourth film in the franchise disregards the ones that came before it. Fraser is out, Cruise is in, and he’s bringing a shroud of darkness with him. ‘The Mummy’ follows thief, liar and general scoundrel Nick Morton played by Tom Cruise. The less honourable Indiana Jones gets into trouble when his latest find ends up releasing the evil princess Ahmanet, a 5,000 year old Egyptian princess with a penchant for destruction, particularly sand related.

No relation

What ‘The Mummy’ does right is that mix of tones. It’s a delicate balance that Cruise and company handle deftly. The movie will fill you with dread, with creepy atmospheres punctuated by jump scares. Then it will deliver a decent quality action scene, all the while bringing humour that doesn’t take away from the tension. The issue is, so much of ‘The Mummy’ feels inconsequential. While you’re enjoying the ride, it never feels as though it’s going anywhere.

I hesitate to give a synopsis of this movie since the film will repeat back the same information to you over and over again. Viewers might just be better off jumping in after the first twenty minutes, just to avoid the sense of deja vu. What’s worse is, no matter how many times ‘The Mummy’ explains it’s plot to you, it still makes less and less sense as the movie goes on. Everything you’re told only raises more head-scratching questions, distracting you from the movie itself. It's Tom Cruise has a bewildered expression on his face for the whole movie.

Like looking in a frustratingly handsome mirror.

When they weren't being exposition robots, the cast has a good chemistry. Cruise is perhaps his most unlikable he's ever been, but it's done with a purpose. He plays second fiddle to Russel Crowe though, whose brief appearance as Dr. Jekyll consists of scene larceny, as Crowe imbues the movie with an energy it sorely needed. Sofia Boutella is creepy enough as Princess Ahmanet, and actually gave her more character than I expected her to. Outside of those few though, the rest of the characters I found utterly banal and had to fight the urge to check my watch when they were the main focus of a scene.

I was actually shocked to hear 'The Mummy' was all of two hours. I intended to praise the film for being a relatively short blockbuster, that came in, told its so so story, and got out. I can say it felt short, and the movie flew by without me feeling the runtime, but then again, it feels like there was not much content here to deserve 2 whole hours. Especially since the movie's natural progression of the plot feels like the film grinding to a halt when it comes to putting in place the foundation of this brand spanking new cinematic universe.

In other words, it's just shy of a full-on train wreck.

The first film in Universal Studios’ ‘Dark Universe’ franchise is something of a non-starter. It has the right idea of how to present horror in a way that’s accessible enough, without feeling too sanitized. However, an overly convoluted plot with characters so bland you don’t care if they live or die makes this movie one that you don’t need to rush to the cinema to see.

Rating: Catch It On Cable.

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'Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales' (2017) Review

Catch it on Cable: Not the worst 'Pirates' movie, but far from the best.

‘Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales', the fifth release in the 'Pirates of the Caribbean' franchise finally sees the return of Captain Jack Sparrow. This time, Jack has found himself caught up with another adventure involving the literal demons of his past. The deadly Capitan Salazar has emerged from the mystical Devil's Triangle, hell-bent on getting his revenge on Jack. Jack's only hope is the legendary Poseidon's Trident, the key to warding off all curses of the sea.

That's a very simplified version of the story in Dead Men Tell No Tales, and one I would've much preferred to follow. The actual film is bloated, as it harbours more storylines than it can bear to stomach. The first half almost entirely consists of gathering the cast into one location so the plot can get underway. Previously, these films have excelled in having a large cast, with multiple stories, and still remaining focused. This is not the case here as this movie fails to find its momentum like a ship without wind in its sail. Then again, according to Captain Jack, wind isn't necessary as long as you have rum.

Note to self: Do not attempt to watch a Pirates of the Caribbean movie unless as drunk as Jack Sparrow.

As the movie struggles to get all the pieces together, there are a few scenes that evoke the very best of this series. One particular scene involving a guillotine is perhaps one of the cleverest moments these films have ever had. Bright spots like these keep the film from being a complete misfire and are a welcome distraction from the film's plot holes, and strange character behaviours.

The characters in question are the ones you've come to know an love, the ones you sort of recognize, and the new ones you don't care about. At least, that's how I felt, particularly with the last film. Here it's a little different since I cared a little bit more about the female lead in this film Carina Smyth, played by Kaya Scodelario. She embodied the strong female archetype that most franchise these days strive for, but come off as pandering and underserved. Not much else can be said for Brenton Thwaites character, as the most compelling thing about him is his heritage. The idea of him is much more interesting that what he actually is.

He's the Virtual Boy of characters. 

The latter half of the film is much more entertaining. Here the issues that previously plagued the film go by the wayside and the movie is consistently enjoyable until the credits roll. Still, this felt less like a reward for the first half's issues and more of an apology. I should also mention I liked the performance of Javier Bardem as the villain, although the visual effects put on his and his ghost crew, was less frightening and more laughable.

The hallmark cleverness and visual fortitude of the Pirates of the Caribbean films have not been present for quite some time but creep back in with this film. It is far from the best this series has to offer, but it is also far from the worst. Jack Sparrow, though, has never been quite so obnoxious, as his charm seems to have dissipated with age. Fans of these films should opt to see it at a Half Price. Everyone else is better off Catching it on Cable.

Rating: Catch It On Cable.

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'Going In Style' (2017) Review: Old Dogs, Not So New Tricks

'Catch It On Cable': Definitely better than it has any right to be, but it never quite warrants a trip to the cinema.

Imagine at the end of your life, after working yourself down to the bone, the people you dedicated your life to suddenly turn around and put you out to pasture. That's the scenario for the heroes of 'Going In Style' Joe, played by Michael Caine, Albert, played by Alan Arkin, and Willie, played by Morgan Freeman. After 30 years at the same company, the trio is swindled out of their hard-earned pension. Down on their luck, at their wit's end, and not enough time to start over, they decide to do the only logical thing they can think of. Rob a bank.

Before reading any further, if the idea of 3 men in their late 70s planning and performing a bank heist is too much for you to swallow, this is not the film for you. I myself had to seriously suspend my disbelief just to suffer the premise. Once I did that though, I found myself seriously enjoying a movie that I did not expect to.

We'll call this the 'Sing' effect.

Most of that is due to the sheer level of class brought by the cast here. 'Going In Style' is not the first film to bring together a premier cast of actors of a certain age. Usually, those movies are less an embarrassment of riches, and just plain embarrassing. This time though, the performances of Caine, Arkin and Freeman actually feel wonderfully understated. They give these characters life and make their stories tremendously relatable. 

Not only are the characters easy to get behind, but the film has its fair share of laughs. It's not every day you see Morgan Freeman being pushed in a motorized shopping cart. There's the odd joke here and there that doesn't exactly land, but overall, there were far more hits than misses. It helps that the supporting cast is chock full of heavy hitters. Christopher Lloyd and Kenan Thompson are far from the bottom of the barrel. Funny considering Kenan Thompson used to live at the bottom of the barrel.

2004 was a weird time.

Even though it's a comedy, 'Going In Style' has a plentiful helping of pathos. It dives headfirst into the heartbreaking stories of the men that drive them to a life of crime. As emotional as it can get, the movie never forgets that it's a comedy. You'll get moments where it just about steps into the deep end but quickly does a backflip into the kiddie pool. 

Of course, this is a heist movie, and the entirety of this review has yet to mention the heist itself. That's because the movie doesn't dwell on it too much. Since its protagonists are knock knock knocking on heaven's door, you can't exactly have them pulling any over the top stunts. Plus, the best heist movies work with an element of tension. By the time the heist comes around, you pretty much knew how the movie was going to end, 20 minutes prior. It has as much tension as a loose ball of yarn.

But not as much tension as this gif of a puppy, trapped in a loose ball of yarn. 

The downside to 'Going In Style' is that it doesn't feel very fresh. It's certainly better than I anticipated, but ultimately, it's a movie that you wouldn't miss much by staying at home. While the actors certainly elevate their roles, it still remains the feel-good movie that lightly tugs at your heartstrings, playing a safe inoffensive song. 

Rating: Catch It On Cable

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'Ghost In The Shell' (2017) Review: Easy On The Eyes, Hard To Watch

Catch It On Cable: Dull and uninteresting on the inside, but very pretty on the outside.

'Ghost In The Shell' is the long awaited live action adaptation of the Manga of the same name. Set in the not too distant future, its world is refined and uninviting. Instead of clamouring for the latest and greatest smartphone, the inhabitants of the movie covet technology that shifts the makeup of their very being. Eyes are swapped for binoculars and fingers are multiplied. The crowning achievement of this techno evolution is Major. A cyborg with the mind of a human, who just happens to be the hero of this story.

Major is played by Scarlett Johannsen. A casting that has sparked controversy, since the role she's playing has always been a Japanese woman. For all the noise surrounding it though, nothing in 'Ghost In The Shell' really merits discussion. Johannsen plays a haunted soul, desperate to cling onto the humanity she has left in her cold unfeeling body. What comes through is her pain and anguish, but is delivered with as much engagement as a Kindergarten teacher at nap time.

Do bored audiences dream of entertaining sheep?

I was fighting sleep for a good chunk of 'Ghost In The Shell'. Time and time again the movie gave me situations to understand, but no characters to empathize with. Pity that the bland characterization, could not match the astounding visuals the movie offers. The world of 'Ghost In The Shell' is tonally bleak but aesthetically vibrant. In 1982, Blade Runner showed us the best depiction of a world transformed by technology, it's given a run for its money here. 

Except in the 'Ghost In The Shell' world, the billboard is a white woman's face.

There are interesting ideas within this movie. None of them original, but 'Ghost In The Shell' thankfully never sounds like it's trying to teach you something. It gives you a healthy offering of existential questions, but you're more than welcome to ignore its philosophy and just embrace the visuals. 

Because the movie is so bland and forgettable, I can't really recommend seeing it in the cinema. It's not bad enough for me to say you should miss it entirely, though. If you have a high-resolution television, catching 'Ghost In The Shell' on home video is actually a pretty good watch. Pop it on in the background when something more important has your full attention, with 'Ghost In The Shell' a mere pretty distraction.

Rating: Catch It On Cable

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'Monster Trucks' (2017) Review: Must Be 10 Years or Younger To Enjoy.

Catch It On Cable: Kids will love it. Parents will tolerate it. There's worse out there but also so much better. 

My dad once told me how much he suffered as a parent. Being forced to watch every inane piece of material that captured the attention of my easily swayed mind. Put a superhero in it. A robot. Anything with an explosion kept me happy. There's no two ways about it. I liked some stupid stuff as a kid. Sure there was the occasional Pixar movie. A cut above the usual drivel, and a saving grace for my parents who had endured enough fart jokes for a lifetime. 'Monster Trucks' is very much not that saving grace. 

The title ‘Monster Trucks’ doesn’t inspire confidence. As I sat in an empty cinema, that inspiration dwindled further. Still, ‘Monster Trucks’ is one of the only big releases these days not based on something else. So there’s that. It follows the story of Tripp, a small town boy, with big dreams. Those dreams seem within grasp, when an oil drilling gone bad unleashes an unknown subterranean species. A monster he names Creech that has the unique ability to make his truck go really fast.

Not that fast. Actually just mildly faster than your average truck.

‘Monster Trucks’ is every movie where a kid finds a friend in a mythical creature. Something seen recently in the remake of ‘Pete’s Dragon’. Whereas that film was a familiar breath of fresh air, ‘Monster Trucks’ is more or less unremarkable. As unremarkable as a movie of this kind gets. At the very least it moves at a brisk enough pace, which is a Godsend considering its 1 hour and 45 minute run time.

I did enjoy the latter part of ‘Monster Trucks’. That’s when it’s more action and less character. The main character Tripp is at best annoying, and at worst, a bore. So as the movie goes on, and embraces its premise, it becomes exponentially more enjoyable. Delivering on its ridiculous title. There’s a glee to a movie that doesn’t try to be anything more than it is.

The poster child of the unabashedly shameless.

That carefree nature is the movies best quality and its worst feature. Even the world feels thin. There's a clear environmentalist message that's designed to get kids to care about wildlife the way Tripp cares about Creech. That's fine and all but the impact is lost when the big villain is Rob Lowe doing his best Texan oil tycoon impression.

Unfortunately nowhere near as good as his DirectTv personas.

Then there's Tripp. Not only is he bland but it's yet another instance of someone well into adulthood passing off as a high school student. Poorly. Most times this doesn't bother me. I bought Andrew Garfield as a skateboarding ne'r do well. I can suspend the disbelief. The problem is, the very first shot of Tripp is on a school bus, filled with teeny tiny age appropriate high school kids. Tripp looks like a giant in comparison. Then again, being abnormally tall kind of works if he builds a relationship with a monster.

‘Monster Trucks’ feels like it was tailor made for boys under ten everywhere. Boys like monsters. Boys like trucks. At least that’s what the thinking is for a studio executive. With that being said, this definitely feels like a film I would’ve thoroughly enjoyed at that age. So really, there’s two ratings to be given. For a kid, it’s definitely a big screen watch. For the moms and dads paying for the ticket? It’s only worth maybe catching on cable. At least that way you can feel like a kid again, free of cost.

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'Almost Christmas' (2016) Review: A Well Cast Bad Ensemble

Catch It On Cable: See it in a year for free when it inevitable runs on cable.

Despite being declared “Most wonderful time of the year”, Christmas has its fair share of critics. Truly, some people don’t enjoy agonizing over the perfect gift, and then spending money on it, for people, that they don’t really care for. That last bit is at the heart of ‘Almost Christmas’, a movie that tries to capture the awkward tension inherent with family gatherings. Isn’t Christmas grand?

For the record: Christmas is awesome. Stop being a Grinch.

For all its attempts at emulating a complex family dynamic, ‘Almost Christmas’ mostly misses the mark. Danny Glover’s Walter is the patriarch of a big family, whose members bring not only their luggage, but all their baggage too. Baggage that seems a little too familiar. There’s the dad that works too much, the sisters who’ve hated each other since they were little. Every character in the film is instantly recognizable, which makes it fairly easy to figure out where everyone will end up when the cameras stop rolling.

Predictability doesn’t make or break a film. The most formulaic of films can have several moments that delight and excite. In the case of ‘Almost Christmas’, those moments are few. Much of the humour is reliant on slapstick, like the wacky uncle falling off a roof after trying to fix a broken roof ornament. While hilarious in a cartoon, when it’s a JB Smoove, it’s a little sad, despite Mr. Smoove's well practiced cartoonish expressions.

Master of the looney tune gaze

That's a harsh knock against JB Smoove who is really trying his damnedest in this movie. He's not the only one giving it his all with Danny Glover giving the film's more somber moments the resonance you wouldn't expect from it, and the triumphant return of Mo'Nique whose irreverent performance is the saving grace of the movie. Hopefully her comeback is not marred by the surrounding mediocrity of this movie.

If you find yourself feeling sad more than once in ‘Almost Christmas’ that’s because underneath the so so comedy is a story of a family attempting to make it through the holidays in mourning. It’s the first Christmas since Walter’s wife died, and the movie is full of heartwarming scenes of different characters working through that grief. Sometimes these scenes seem sudden, completely different in tone from the comedic scenes that played before it. Truthfully though, that’s an honest depiction of grief. It sneaks up on people when they least expect it.

Unfortunately, while it shows tremendous pathos towards the subject of death, and the struggle that times of family and togetherness can have when processing it, on the whole, the movie is undercut by a collection of stories and scenes that are mostly expected, yet unsatisfying still. At the time of year when you’ve already spent money you didn’t want to spend, perhaps save what you have left and miss this one. Next year when it comes on cable, put it on so you can avoid talking to those relatives you wish you didn’t have to see for an hour and a half. At the very least Mo'Nique will have you laughing.

Rating: Catch It On Cable

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'The Girl On The Train' Review (2016): Just Watch Gone Girl Again

Catch It On Cable: Don't rush out to see it, just stay home. It's safer.

'The Girl On The Train’ is a movie, based on a book, that’s about not judging a book by it’s cover. It tells the stories of three women, each at different stages of their lives. Rachael, the girl on the train herself, pines for the life of the youngest woman, Megan. Megan would do anything to escape the clutches of domestication that is so embraced by Anna. The message then at the end of the day is, no matter what you choose to do, you’ll probably be miserable. A lesson learned in 'Revolutionary Road', when Jack and Rose got to live their happily ever never.

You can either leave him to die in the ocean, or wish that you had.

Now the way it was going, the movie was set to have a strong message about defying the perceived notions of what it means to be a woman, and breaking free of the roles assigned to women by society. Motherhood is no longer the end all be all. Somewhere along the line though, the movie’s message becomes drastically muddled as it goes further down the rabbit hole of a mystery thriller, as one of the three women goes missing.

So all right, it’s not a revolutionary film about modern day feminism, it’s instead a noir thriller. But maybe it’s both? Either way, you look at the case and all of its mysteries through the eyes of Rachael. She’s the main witness to the crime but there’s one problem. Rachael is an alcoholic who frequently can’t remember what took place the night before, so to say she’s an unreliable narrator is an understatement.

This film contains literal narration from an unreliable narrator. It is both grating and unnecessary.

Through this the movie gives you a number of red herrings to keep you guessing about the actual culprit right along with Rachael. Bless your heart though if you can keep up with it. The movie has a tendency to jump back and forth through time, revealing bits and pieces about each of the women’s lives that led them to where they are today. This is designed so that later when your expectations are turned on its head you’re able to gasp in shock and awe, but it’s needlessly hard to follow at times.

If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times. I abhor narration. It's lazy, and at this point exists only for people to complain about it. Though I don't think I've ever been this offended by a narration. The movie begins with Rachael's lament about her life, compared to the lives of the other women in the film, that she guesses about from the train window. The trouble is, as the scene is playing, I muted the narration in my head. It works exponentially better as you read Rachel's face, reacting to what she sees from that window. Then again, I do feel like staring out the window and thinking about the movie that could've been, so I suppose I get it now. 

At first glance, 'The Girl On The Train' bears a striking resemblance to 'Gone Girl'. On the face of it, the title alone, and the bleak aesthetic are enough to trick you. It's only when you delve deeper that it becomes more uncanny. Both feature stories with twists and turns, surrounding a murder mystery in the misery of suburbia. The only difference being, Gone Girl's narrative was captivating, while 'The Girl On The Train' feels like a half baked sequel that no one really wanted.

After the movie ends, you and the people you saw it with are likely to get into what moments shocked you, what you thought of the characters, or when you figured out the plot. That’s what happened outside my cinema anyway. So to that end, the movie is successful I suppose. It’s just not a movie that can’t be enjoyed just as much at home.

Rating: Catch It On Cable

If you're reading this, and you have a movie you absolutely hate, I'd love to hear it. Leave a comment below or just hit me up on twitter @levy_damian

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'Boo! A Madea Halloween' Review (2016)

Catch It On Cable: If you don't want to see it, it's bad. If you want to see it, it's still bad, but it's too harmless to hate.

Maybe once it was a good idea. Dress up like the matriarch of a black household, hire hard working black actors and actresses, and write stories that appeal to a group of people who’ve historically been under and misrepresented. On paper, everything Tyler Perry does is not only smart, but it’s also important. At it’s best, you have films like ‘Madea’s Family Reunion’, at it’s worst, you have this film.

Now I know this review is meaningless. Tyler Perry movies attract the type of loyalty that renders any critical analysis of them moot. They get people to see them no matter how bad it might actually be. Having understood that, I still need to say what this movie was to me. Induldge me, if you will.

"It's not that 'The Accountant' is bad, it just really let me down." 

For Boo, A Madea Halloween, Tyler Perry plays a man at the end of his rope. Unable to tame the feral beast that is his rebellious 17 year old daughter. Despite this, he refuses to lay a hand on her. When it seems she has intentions of sneaking out to a college party she has no business going to, he calls in the sternest hand he knows, his dear Aunt Mabel, otherwise known as, Madea.

The first act of the movie, leading up to Madea’s appearance, is palpably grating. How Tyler Perry can be so convincing in the role of Madea, but so tepid playing it straight is baffling. Every performance from anyone not covered in makeup makes the movie feel like a school project. Not to mention, there are scenes that go on forever, reiterating the same jokes and points, that feel like they were pulled directly from a stage show, but were neglected in any form of meaningful adaption for the silver screen, that would suit the format. Running on and on much like that last sentence.

My old arch-nemesis

I’m not going to pretend I didn’t laugh, I did. Not even at how mediocre it was, but genuinely I was made to laugh when I was supposed to. However those moments don’t outweigh the times when I honestly wanted to leave. Clearly this was not a subjective notion, judging by the long stretches of silences in the cinema, at scenes designed for big laughs.

At this point, the idea of Madea is more than played out. I'm gonna need something more than a barrage of jokes that go "HEY IT'S A DUDE IN A DRESS". As much as I'd like that to be the case, there's not a strong sense of a need to innovate in the writers room. Look no further than the scene where Madea exposes herself to a group of frat boys, who then recoil when they realise it's not a halloween costume. Sure you could say that's a fresh take on an old hat, but it's an old ass hat.

Time to throw out the hat man.

The setting isn't put to particularly inventive use either. There's plenty of comedy that can come from exploring the stereotype of black people's superstition. Lord knows every other movie making fun of the horror genre, has a joke about black people staying the hell away from a haunted house. Here, the best attempts at those ideas fall flat. Sometimes literally, with a slapstick punchline.

It’s not a movie that evokes anger, where I’d tell you you’re better off reading a book. Truth be told, it’s harmless enough to be put on in the background, laugh when you’re supposed to and ignore it when you’re not.

Rating: Catch It On Cable

It's clearly been a bad stream of movies recently but once again, here's the episode where we talked about movies we hated. Thank God Doctor Strange is out soon.

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